


The Kübler-Ross model

by Pingviini



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Five Stages of Grief, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making the best of things, Overcoming fears, What is Death?, getting to terms, pondering, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-12 13:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11737881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pingviini/pseuds/Pingviini
Summary: “’Til death do us part. Easiest marriage ever,” Even joked after slipping the ring on Isak’s finger. He must’ve instantly regretted his decision to joke about it since it made all of Isak’s efforts wash off and the crying consumed. But to Isak’s surprise Even looked relieved and happy instead of regretful and he couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out why. A promise to love someone until death while knowing it would come sooner rather than later had an odd tone to it. There was happiness with the promise of unconditional love ruined by a bitterness of being deprived a happily ever after.Marriage would be associated with concepts of happiness, white, cake, love and stamped with a timer:Soon to be expired.Or Isak coming to terms with Even having a terminal illness





	1. The five stages of grief

**Author's Note:**

> Hey stranger.  
> This is definitely the heaviest thing I've ever posted anywhere and I'm nervous about this. I just want to say to everyone struggling with these issues, that I'm so sorry. I try my best to depict things but I don't want this getting too deep because then I'd never get the story moving. This might seem super simplified to some people as this is a heavy subject.  
> Everyone deals with these things differently but this is only a fan fiction, so don't take this too seriously.  
> This is different from my other stories because this is more story-telling whereas my other fics are mostly dialogue-heavy describing only "necessary things".  
> I will probably add links to some music in the future chapters as they contain lyrics.
> 
> I'm not a native speaker, so sorry for the mistakes! I tried to play with my english a little even though I know it's risky. Hopefully it's not too bad and it's at least understandable.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this! I don't know if this is something people want to read but I wanted to post it anyway.

Why is it that people are so intrigued by whatever is going on in inside other peoples’ minds? And how is it that even though we use up so much energy chasing that knowledge, we still understand each other so very little.

People are easy to predict when they go about their lives in a “controlled environment”. They have a job, a family, friends, hobbies. They have schedules that tell them what to do weeks ahead. A simple calendar could almost be thought of as a portal to the future -- if you know you have a meeting next Thursday you also know you’ll most likely be there. But in this, _almost_ is the key word:  
The unexpected comes to play.

It is only when something unexpected happens that we realize how little we know each other. It is always a crude reminder of how delved we are on the future when we should be invested with now. How we use our own experiences in order to read someone without realizing that it’s exactly what they are doing too. It’s funny how we might think of ourselves as observers who can take in any information, not including our own lives, objectively – we think of our feelings as something separate from our sense as if we could restrain parts of ourselves by will. This of course is just in our heads. It’s not true at all: we are a whole and everything in our brain influences everything.

The unexpected is what truly begins to show us how complicated we are – how intricate the whole world is and how foolish we are for planning ahead without even knowing if the world will come to an end before tomorrow.

Still this can be considered as a privilege as some people don’t get to plan ahead or do that knowing it is in vain.

Isak didn’t hear or see anything. It was all just buzz and blur. Twisted faces and barking sounds that didn’t sound like talking at all. Still he was pretty sure it was talking.  
It was as if his senses just refused to take in anything. So, it was all blank and distant – floating, not cold or warm. He was just simply existing. Being someplace in the spacetime as if the coordinates didn’t matter. How he might as well have been floating next to Pluto.

_How to deal with a terminal illness_

“Isak? Do you hear me?” someone called out to him and the voice was weird and twisted like it was floating through a wormhole or something. It made Isak want to giggle but he didn’t. He realized he didn’t have a single breath in him and he had forgotten how to inhale so next it wasn’t blur and buzz but black and soothing.

“Are you okay?” the voice sounded alarmed. Isak’s head was spinning painfully and he felt dizzy. He was squeezing his eyes shut so tightly he could see stars.

As he opened his eyes he saw a face. A bright light shining from behind it made the outlines of the head melt. He blinked a couple of times taking a few deep breaths and the face became clear. Even looked concerned.

“It’s going to be fine,” he said soothingly and Isak felt fingers stroking his forehead gently. He knew it had to have something to do with the barking and now that he realized it hadn’t been a dream he also felt concerned.

“What is?” he managed to ask with a raspy voice as Even helped him to sit on the floor.

“Everything,” Even smiled but Isak didn’t buy it. From the way, Even had said it Isak was pretty sure everything was not going to be fine. In fact, he was sure nothing was going to be fine – something was obviously terribly wrong and he hated how he was expected to know but he didn’t. He didn’t have the slightest idea other than it was not good.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Isak heard Even say while he was busy looking around to figure out where he was – home. He was home. Then he turned to face Even who was crouched on the floor next to him.

“I don’t understand,” Isak said massaging his aching temple with his hand, “what didn’t you tell me.”

Even looked away clearly not wanting to repeat himself and the fact that he refused to meet Isak’s gaze all together made Isak worry even more.

“Sorry, I don’t know what happened. I just lost it,” Isak said still trying to read his boyfriend.

“I have lung cancer, Isak. That’s why I’ve been sick and it’s spread,” Even blurted out and Isak didn’t know what to think. He had no idea if this was some cruel joke and he really hoped it was.

“I don’t want this to chance anything, okay? I just want to enjoy my life. Do you hear me? I’m not having you crying over me,” Even said with piercing eyes and Isak nodded even though he wasn’t sure if he understood. He didn’t cry or ask anything so Even took his hand sighing deeply and Isak could tell he was holding in a cough.

“I know it’s a lot to take in but I don’t think I can handle this if you freak out.”

“That’s unfair,” Isak said bluntly but didn’t know what else to do. It took him the rest of the day and half of the next one before it hit him. He burst out in tears in the middle of an exam and he had only one thing in his mind:

Things were never going to be all right


	2. Denial and Isolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Promise to love someone until death while knowing it would come sooner rather than later had the same effect. There was happiness with the promise of unconditional love ruined by the bitterness of being deprived a happily ever after.  
> Marriage would be associated with concepts of happiness, white, cake, love and stamped with a timer:  
> Soon to be expired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I linked a song(under the picture) I listened to while writing this(among other songs) and for once it in a way suits the thing I'm writing. For this to be true you might have to twist the lyrics a little because I haven't done enough research to know exactly what they meant by them. So I'll take what I want from them. Sorry Kodaline, love you tho.  
> "All I want is nothing more  
> To hear you knocking at my door  
> 'Cause if I could see your face once more  
> I could die as a happy man I'm sure"  
> The melody is nice and light and definitely has hope written all over it.

 [All I want](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6BwAWiHcSg)

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist born in Zürich in 1926 and deceased in U.S. in 2004. She engaged in medical studies even though her father insisted she wouldn’t. But she persisted and graduated from The University of Zürich in 1957 and a year later moved to New York after her fiancée. She continued her studies there and was appalled by the hospital treatment of dying patients, which sparked an interest to make people understand them better in order to fill their needs. Kübler-Ross studied death and near-death experiences by interviewing terminally ill people. It ultimately led to her book On Death and Dying which contained also the now-famous Five Stages of Grief. Even though the Kübler-Ross model had received a lot of criticism since then, Isak still saw it everywhere.

Every site dealing with terminal illnesses or loss of a loved one had these same five stages that gave him absolutely nothing to work with as he wasn’t the one terminally ill. None of these pointless lists had no advice as to how he could accept what was going on. These five stages just assumed how all people reacted to horrible news when in reality it was never so simple. It was like saying the sky is blue, which was also just partly true as the world didn’t have colour just different frequencies of radiation our brain translate as colours. Isak had a hard time believing this praised model had ever done anyone any good based on the grim way it stated that the fifth(final) stage wasn’t closure or a happy one.

Isak didn’t know how to look at Even anymore. He couldn’t sleep or eat and every time Even coughed Isak’s heart started racing. When they watched a movie, Isak didn’t really watch. He was somewhere far away in a parallel universe where he was pretending to be happy.

He point-blank refused to plan anything ahead and soon enough was so busy with school that he had no time for anything else. There was no other way to say it:  
Isak was avoiding Even as if this way he didn’t have to watch him die.

Still he also struggled to keep in mind that Even was sick as the knowledge of the impending death seemed to have zero influence on Even’s mindset. Somehow it made the whole episode surreal.

He didn’t want to go with Even to talk about the treatments that would do nothing for him. He didn’t want to hear Even refusing them in order to live instead of trying not to die.

“Are you okay?” Jonas asked carefully and it annoyed Isak.

“Sure,” he answered nonchalantly keeping his eyes on the tv-screen and the COD match they had going on. He felt Jonas’ eyes on him and was annoyed that he had asked in the first place only to refuse Isak’s answer.

“Seriously, I’m fine. Peachy,” Isak said coating his words with a laughter that was too tense to fool his friend.  
Jonas paused the game turning his whole body to face Isak.

“You have to go home,” he said and Isak didn’t want to hear him. He just unpaused the game and shoved some chips into his mouth.

“Did you hear what happened to Magnus over the weekend?” he asked eyes fixed on the game that suddenly froze as Jonas closed the console.

“Stop it. Whatever it is you are doing – it needs to stop,” Jonas said gesturing something – that Isak didn’t understand – with his hands.

“Playing?” Isak asked furrowing his brows as if he didn’t know what Jonas was talking about. But he did. He also knew exactly what the other was about to say and he also knew Jonas was right. Isak braced himself mentally for the push Jonas was about to give him. The One that would make him go back to Even and stop denying facts.

“Do you think he’s not scared? Hell, Isak, even I’m scared,” Jonas said with a sharp tone pausing a little before continuing, “you have got to pull yourself together. You can’t abandon Even just because you are a little scared. Face it. It’s happening whether you like it or not. You have to be there for him.”

Isak couldn’t look at his friend. He let the words sink in during the silence following Jonas’ words and felt a lump on his throat.

“And what if I can’t?” Isak asked hoping Jonas could answer his question, however, knowing he couldn’t. He wiped his tears from his cheeks trying to keep his act together.

“You’ll have to try, Isak. I’m here for you, you are not alone,” Jonas said in a voice almost a whisper and Isak knew it was because he didn’t trust himself to speak.

“I’m so fucking scared,” Isak said so loudly not only did he manage to scare Jonas’ but also himself. He felt Jonas’ strong arms wrap around him and he clutched to his friend like his life depended on it.

For the first time, he was able to think about things from Even’s point of view and realized he had no idea how he was doing. Isak had been so busy thinking about his own feelings he hadn’t simply had the capacity to involve Even’s.

So, when he wrapped his hands around Even he was scared of breaking him. It was the first time he noticed the other had lost weight and it made the nightmare all the more real.  
But despite all this Even simply turned around sharing a wide smile before kissing him. Isak could taste his own salty tears in their kiss and he felt guilty for crying.

“I’ve spent months dying. But now I think I’m finally ready to live. Could you live with me?” he asked making Isak only cry harder. Still he nodded mumbling a yes. He wiped his nose on his sleeve making Even laugh at the amount of snot left on the fabric.

Even’s hands left Isak’s sides and from his sobbing Isak didn’t notice him kneeling on the floor. Even had a ring in his hand and a smile on his face.

“Isak Valtersen, will you marry me?”

Isak couldn’t speak or think he just sobbed in front of Even for what seemed like forever. It took a lot of nose-wiping and willpower but Isak managed to nod weakly. Everything was so messed up and Isak hated to be an emotional wreck.  
He hated how Even hadn’t included him in his journey to accepting his illness.  
He hated how he was expected to do it alone.

“’Til death do us part. Easiest marriage ever,” Even joked after slipping the ring on Isak’s finger. He must’ve instantly regretted his decision to joke about it since it made all of Isak’s efforts wash off and the crying consumed. But to Isak’s surprise Even looked relieved and happy instead of regretful and he couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out why.

The feeling had some similarities with seeing a clown in a horror movie for the first time. It was all about the contrast. Clowns were usually associated with something funny and happy and horror movies obviously with fright and anxiousness. When something expected to be delightful turns out to be anything but that, it makes one doubt. It confuses the web of association in our memory bringing something new to the picture. Next time when the person would meet a clown the new association would present itself and things like circus, balloon, happiness, face paint and goofiness would pop into mind but with fear along with them.

A promise to love someone until death while knowing it would come sooner rather than later had the same effect. There was happiness with the promise of unconditional love ruined by a bitterness of being deprived a happily ever after.  
Marriage would be associated with concepts of happiness, white, cake, love and stamped with a timer:  
_Soon to be expired._

Isak tore a whole to the emotional wall he had built during the month so that he could reach out from behind it. He was tired of being alone in his own happy place pretending to be happy when he really was just lonely and sad.  
The ring in his finger quickly became a symbol of how much he loved Even. It was a concrete proof to Isak of how he was ready to do this with him.

_That was a lie._

Isak wasn’t ready at all but he was going to do it anyway. He was going to go on this adventure together with Even, not caring that the adventure happened to be about dying.

_Another lie._

He cared. But he was going to do it anyway because, like he said, he loved Even and that most certainly was not a lie.

_The first stage: Denial and Isolation_

_The first reaction is denial. In this stage individuals believe the diagnosis is somehow mistaken, and cling to a false, preferable reality.  
Isolation arises from people, even family members, avoiding the dying person._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kübler-Ross is a real person(deceaced) and the five stages of grief inspired me to write this. I haven't read her book yet but I probably will as I'm very interested of the discussions she had with the dying people. What did she ask them and how did they explain their experiences.  
> I've always been pondering about death and despite my efforts I still somehow fail to understand. It should be easy and natural but it's just curious and scary.  
> The chapters are all going to be quite short so they don't have the time to get so heavy.  
> I don't know what else to say. I'm gloomy again.  
> Hopefully someone can enjoy this as writing this feels cathartic somehow.  
> Sorry for the mistakes!  
> Thanks for reading! xx
> 
> (Oh and the end-quote is copied from wikipedia, hahha. lame)


	3. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was constantly looking at couples older than them maliciously. He was envious that they got to have a life together when he was deprived of it. It didn’t make sense to him at all why Even had to get sick when it could’ve been the guy in a funny hat smoking outside of smoking area or the big boned girl who cut them in line for the Mad Tea Party or the bulky guy eating ice cream in front of a fountain.  
> But none of them were sick while Even still was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again and if you are reading this, you make me a very happy person.  
> Please read the notes at the end because I have a couple of words to say about the song I linked under the picture. It is a beautiful song.  
> Anger is something I have had to deal with a lot so it was weird how hard it was to write this down. I guess it is something I really don't know how to handle properly, haha.  
> The frustration probably steps in more strongly later.  
> Again sorry for the mistakes and thank you so much for reading! xx

[Mad World](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzVuyVAWZys)

Isak hadn’t ever imagined that Disneyland would make him feel anger. Out of all the possible feelings anger was the least expected. Maybe it wasn’t the Disneyland that made him angry but he was still angry at Disneyland all the same. He didn’t want to be but he was.

He was constantly looking at couples older than them maliciously. He was envious that they got to have a life together when he was deprived of it. It didn’t make sense to him at all why Even had to get sick when it could’ve been the guy in a funny hat smoking outside of smoking area or the big boned girl who cut them in line for the Mad Tea Party or the bulky guy eating ice cream in front of a fountain.  
But none of them were sick while Even still was.

He didn’t smile at the ride and the picture Even took with him was either morbid or hilarious depending on who looked at it.

 _Luckily,_ he forgot to be mad when Even bought himself a pair of Mickey Mouse ears.  
He forgot that Even was sick when they asked an old lady to take a picture of them with Jack Sparrow who was apparently very openminded for a pirate since he looked delighted as they kissed. However, he got a grim reminder as the older passed out after coughing hard.  
_Luckily_ , they got help without asking for it because Isak was so shocked he didn’t know if he could’ve asked. It was the first time he saw something concrete besides weight loss and paleness and when Even collapsed right in front of him Isak felt as if the whole world went down with him.  
It was like waking up from a nice day dream to remember you’re actually in hell.

He held Even’s hand in the back of the ambulance stroking the back gently. Even looked apologetic as he had woken up almost immediately after the ambulance had arrived. Isak couldn’t comfort him because he was still in shock and an army of unpleasant thoughts were battling inside his head.

He thought that the Five Stages were bullshit as denial came to his rescue like a knight in a shining armour. _This just simply wasn_ _’_ _t happening._ Even couldn’t die because they still had so much they had to do together.

Denial was quickly replaced by anger, which made Isak snarl to the hospital staff without realizing he was embarrassing Even.  
_Luckily_ most of the staff spoke English so lousily they couldn’t understand most of the things he was saying to them.

“Relax, baby. It’s nothing. I just haven’t eaten much,” Even said when Isak didn’t stop pacing around the hospital bed Even was lying in.

“I’m sorry, I just –“ Isak started not being able to finish. During the past months, he had become skilled at pushing his thoughts aside and that is exactly what he did now as he lied down next to Even, facing him.

“It’s just so unfair,” Isak said almost by accident making Even smile faintly and lift his slightly shaky hand to his cheek.

“What is?” Even asked waiting eagerly for Isak to say it out loud. Finally say out loud that Even was dying but he didn’t.

“Nothing,” Isak lied closing his eyes.

“I think it’s kind of ironic that I’ve tried to kill myself before and now that I want nothing but to be with you I’m dead,” Even huffed out a dry laughter and it was the first negative thing Isak had heard him say ever since telling about his condition. It made him equally anxious as it made him relieved. It also made him sad and angry because now that Even was affected by it, there was no way of ignoring the elephant in the room anymore.

“You can sell our story so they’ll make a movie about us. Everyone loves tragedies.”

“I don’t. I absolutely hate tragedies,” Isak argued making Even wrap his hands around him.

“But you could become a millionaire,” he heard Even whisper and to him it was so bittersweet. He felt like there was a second meaning to every word they said. They included not only the thoughts they voiced but also the ones they would have liked to keep as a secret.

Even went through his pockets and after a while of struggling he managed to draw out his phone and headphones. He gave one to Isak after placing the other in his own ear.  
They looked at each other.  
They were so close neither of them could fully make out the other’s face. Isak recognized the song but didn’t know the name or artist. When he closed his eyes listening to the tunes everything else disappeared around them and just like that they were floating away from the reality neither of them desired to live in.

_And I find it kinda funny_

_I find it kinda sad_

_The dreams in which I'm dying_

_Are the best I've ever had_

Even rubbed their noses together making Isak smile. He placed a lazy kiss on Even’s lips and after that they both fell asleep only to be awakened by a nurse fifteen minutes later.  
Isak hadn’t noticed he had been so exhausted and also Even’s eyes were drooping as he struggled to stay awake while speaking with the nurse.

Isak held Even’s hands listening to the conversation without saying a word. He was just observing how they tried their best to understand each other and the nurse’s expression got emphatic as the words terminal, lung and cancer were released into the air all three of them were breathing.

_The second stage; anger_

_When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at proximate individuals. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"; "Why would this happen?"._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song doesn't reflect the anger this chapter is about but since this is Isak's POV it brings out Even's feelings he is unable to say out loud either for Isak's or for his own sake. I see the lyrics(among else) as in someone watching the world as an outsider who feels unconnected and sees existence as something trivial and everything in it mundane.
> 
> In this case I wanted to use it as this kind of out-of-body-experience Even has while they listen to it, as before he plays it, he speaks of his death and their story as something complete even going so far as to claim himself already dead despite pleading Isak to live with him in the second chapter. And on the other hand it also speaks something about Isak's frustration for not being able to help Even. "When people run in circles its a very very mad world."


	4. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, what wouldn’t Isak had given to get to sit in the classroom not caring because of any other reason than what was currently behind his disinterest in life in general. He would’ve done anything to just sit there contently listening to the professor’s monotone voice hour after another.
> 
> But praying didn’t help.
> 
> Even got only worse still refusing treatment even though almost everyone around him begged for him to take it. Isak didn’t. He didn’t understand why Even didn’t want it but since he hadn’t been able to talk him over, he had given up. Even was an adult and capable of making his own decisions for his own reasons. Isak didn’t have to like it – and he didn’t – but he tried his best to respect his decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I linked a song I listened to. I think this suits all of the chapters since it imo handles depression and anxiousness. It really speaks to me. My favorite part is when she promises to be better at the expense of her "true feelings". If that isn't bittersweet I don't know what is. And it describes the battle between how you feel and how you want to - or are supposed to feel. Isak and Even would obviously love to be happy but to be achieve happiness they need to accept some things that are hard to swallow.
> 
> "But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through  
> You’ll fake it if you have to  
> And you’ll show up for work with a smile  
> And you’ll be better  
> And you’ll be smarter  
> And more grown up  
> And a better daughter or son  
> And a real good friend  
> And you’ll be awake  
> You’ll be alert  
> You’ll be positive though it hurts  
> And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends ..."

[Better son/daughter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7N-0I8Y1rk)

Isak didn’t know how Elisabeth Kübler-Ross managed to stay sane when working with dying people or talking about them for the most of her life.  
Isak’s head was all over the place and everything seemed to come out in bursts. Only one thing at a time could surface pushing everything else aside.

Sometimes he had a burst of happiness he was delighted to share with Even. This was the case on their wedding day when he felt it to be the happiest day of his life. He had no room for anything but his love for the people around him and happiness of them all sharing the moment.

These were usually short-lived as fear stepped in reminding Isak of the horrible truth every time something unexpected happened or he was otherwise somehow reminded of Even’s pains that had gotten worse. Even tried to hide coughing blood but Isak noticed.  
Even tried not to cry when the pain got too much but he couldn’t stop it.  
Every time something like this went down Isak slipped the happy yellow brick road to denial:  
_This wasn_ _’_ _t happening._

Sadness was his favourite as it gave him permission to dwell. It gave him a permission to stop trying for a while and just concentrate on how bad he was feeling instead of concentrating on Even. Somehow, even though it was a dark state he felt like he was doing something. As if spilling enough tears would make some god notice and regret making Even sick. And _poof_ just like that tomorrow Even would be healthy as a horse, could you imagine that? He pleaded with every god he knew but when he was yet again sitting next to a hospital bed he was losing hope and hope was a key thing in accepting terminal illnesses, so he had read.

“I’m so bored,” Even gasped dramatically after surfing through the channels multiple times.

“I could roll you around in a wheelchair. That could be fun,” Isak suggested gesturing toward a wheelchair sitting at the corner of the room and Even’s eyes lit up.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’, “Even laughed pushing himself to sit. Isak saw how much effort it took and shared the joy of success when the other managed to sit up.

“What about that thing on your nose?” Isak asked trying not to sound worried for Even’s sake. Even simply pulled the tube away from his nose discarding it.

He laughed so hard when Isak pushed him around the corridors relatively fast and Isak couldn’t help but smile. He was so tired he had to use all his remaining power to push the wheelchair but Even didn’t weigh much anymore as he had lost his appetite a while back. It was still good fun before they got scolded by a nurse after almost crashing into an old man.

“Isak? Valtersen?”

Isak lifted his head and realized he had been spacing out. The professor was staring at him expectantly and Isak felt red in the face.

“What was the question?” he asked trying not to give away the fact that he hadn’t listened at all but didn’t manage to deceive the old professor.

“I was under the impression all of you chose to be here. However, it seems that some of us think of this classroom as a good place to nap. I’m not judging anyone but I highly recommend sleeping in a bed rather than a desk.”

Isak let out a silent sigh as he rolled his eyes to the comment after the watchful eyes had turned away. He bit his pen thinking about his grades that had been dropping because he simply lacked the interest to be in school. It was only an open university. Almost anyone could attend the lectures.

Then another burst came - flashing everything else out of its way. Oh, what wouldn’t Isak had given to get to sit in the classroom not caring because of any other reason than what was currently behind his disinterest in life in general. He would’ve done anything to just sit there contently listening to the professor’s monotone voice hour after another.

But praying didn’t help.

Even got only worse still refusing treatment even though almost everyone around him begged for him to take it. Isak didn’t. He didn’t understand why Even didn’t want it but since he hadn’t been able to talk him over, he had given up. Even was an adult and capable of making his own decisions for his own reasons. Isak didn’t have to like it – and he didn’t – but he tried his best to respect his decision.

They had attended in counselling for the family where a therapist helped everyone around Even deal with the situation. Isak felt silly – all of them gathered in a circle to discuss the effect Even’s death was having on them when the subject of discussion was still alive and there with them. He could only imagine how it must’ve felt spending time from one’s last months to watch people gather to cry because of you. Even’s face was pale and empty and he said only things that sounded memorized. There was no real meaning behind them. They were just bunch of words put together.

Isak had started to get his head around all of this. He was starting to realize that kick and scream as he might, these would be their last months together. He’d rather not spend them praying to gods or crying.

Even obviously wasn’t going to succumb to being a victim of his cancer. He was determined to have fun and sometimes it felt almost maddening how hard he tried. Sometimes he tried so hard, Isak could see he wasn’t even having fun anymore.

Isak petted Even’s back as he threw up for hours. Even laughed at how it reminded him of his teen years. Drinking too much and vomiting like the possessed girl in the movie The Exorcist. It made Isak chuckle lightly but in reality, he felt sick watching Even’s spine push out from his back.

 _Dear god, please let Even take on the treatment and please let him heal, I_ _’_ _ll do anything_.

He didn’t want to respect Even’s decision anymore. He just wanted for him to live for all the wrong reasons. He knew it was selfish but still he prayed until he had used up all of them. He thought it was unfair Even didn’t want to try and he slipped back to anger: He was angry at Even for not wanting to live as long as possible. Frustrated that he couldn’t do anything. Completely and utterly useless to help anyone.  
Isak was hopeless and nothing he said made any difference and again he consulted his old buddy Denial as a way out.  
_Please God, tell me this isn_ _’_ _t happening and if you don_ _’_ _t, please make it go away._

Again, that night Isak didn’t sleep but waited for Even to die.

_The third stage; Bargaining  
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek compromise. For instance: "I'd give anything to have him back." Or: "If only he'd come back to life, I'd promise to be a better person!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thank you so much for reading and I am truly sorry about the mistakes!  
> Hopefully you are having a good day.


	5. Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am like a plane that has left the gate and not taken off. I would rather go back to the gate or fly away.”
> 
> Said Kübler-Ross on her impending death. She apparently never admitted to being scared of death but Isak had to wonder if it was just an act in ode to her career in helping other people accept their own deaths. Maybe she too had the chance to be courageous because she was afraid.  
> Elisabeth Kübler-Ross cheated as she believed life didn’t end in death and, just like many other great minds, treated it like another great adventure. It was awfully optimistic coming from someone dealing with such heavy subjects for the most of her life – but no doubt admirable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a though one. I just feel the need to say that I in no way imply that everyone experience these emotions in the way I depict them. Ever since I've been little I've been very curious about sadness and depression. What it is and why we have to feel like that. How do some people go through hell and live to tell the tale.(My childhood wasn't as unhappy as I make it sound like, haha. I was a happy child). I have a hard time grapsing what depression feels like when it lingers or sticks and I try so hard to understand it so I can respond to the needs of the people around me. I've been down and feeling like the world will end but it comes and goes. Never sticks. I think that feeling numb is the hardest part for me to understand.  
> The song I linked is something I found fitting(I think you might see why) and it is very repetitive. And also I love the song.  
> I used repetition in this chapter also but I think you can tell without me informin about it.  
> Once again I'm awfully sorry for the mistakes. I'm not happy with this one but I couldn't fix it. There is something wrong with it and I can't figure out what. Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope You'll have a nice day! xx

[Paint It Black](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4irXQhgMqg)

The walls were white.

The floor was white.

The roof was white.

The curtains were white.

All of it just white, white, white and white.

 In poetry, this colour without a hue symbolizes purity, joy and innocence and in Christianity spirituality, heavenly peace and the love of God. But the brightness of it made the room look endless and Isak started feeling agoraphobic.  
He squeezed Even’s hand tighter seeing how the skin of it was also white.

It was quiet. So quiet Isak could practically hear all the people in the room dying except a lady who sounded like she was healing.  
Even looked as miserable as Isak felt and neither of them spoke.  
He didn’t speak because he didn’t want to ask.  
He didn’t want to ask because he didn’t want to hear.  
And he didn’t want to hear because he didn’t want to know.

The walls ran away from them and the roof above them rose up, up, up into the sky until it seemed to go on indefinitely. It rose all the way to the moon and the white walls reached out as far as the eye could see. They were so alone in the endless white.  
The brightness slowly blinding them.

“Wake up. We are ready.”

Isak flinched opening his eyes and Even was smiling in an average sized room that was still as white.

“I’m so sorry I fell asleep,” he said after clearing his throat. He was so sorry he felt tears build up in his eyes and he began to wonder how much more could he cry.  
For he had cried when Even had made him breakfast.  
He had cried when Even had kissed him.  
He had just cried, cried and cried feeling it was all he did.  
He cried when he didn’t understand a pointless assignment and even when he spilled his coffee. Even never asked him to stop even though Isak could see it was making him miserable. But he couldn’t stop it and feared that one night they would both drown in the tears he spilled.

Even’s condition had dropped dramatically a few weeks back and finally he had agreed to start the treatments. His mother had cried out of happiness and Even had smiled an empty smile masking how he just wanted it all to be over.  
He never said it out loud but Isak could see it.  
Isak on the other hand wasn’t happy. He felt guilty for praying to God. Somehow, he felt it to be the cause of Even’s worsened symptoms. God worked in mysterious ways, or so his mother had said and if someone knew about God it was his mother.

At first the chemotherapy and cytostatic treatments made Even sicker. He threw up constantly, was feeble, lost his hair and apparently his will to live. It was ironic how it was supposed to heal him but seemed to have quite the opposite effect. The treatments were painful and Isak felt bad because he knew Even wasn’t doing this for himself but for everyone else around him. Prolonging his suffering because Isak had gotten so scared when he had gotten sicker. This change assumedly for the better, did nothing to uplift either of their moods. In fact, Isak had fallen back all the stages he thought he had already conquered and even deeper.

In sharp contrast to the very brightness of the room Even had his cytostatic treatments in – everything else was dark and hopeless. Even couldn’t leave the house much and most of the time was too nauseous to do anything but rest and vomit. The beanie he had on constantly was black and the circles around his eyes were black too. Isak had a hard time telling his nightmares apart from the reality and most of the time he just stared at the ceiling not interested about anything in particular. He didn’t answer any calls or go to school. He just laid in bed with Even hoping to die with him.  
All was so black that he didn’t know if he was, in fact, alive or not and didn’t find it in him to care. If their bed was to become his grave, _so be it_ , he thought.

“How are you feeling?” the psychiatrist asked Isak and it was silly how it took him by surprise. He opened his mouth to answer but didn’t say anything. Was it bad that he didn’t know the answer to this question?

“You are going to have to say something at one point,” she said kindly and Isak nodded feeling out of this world in the room that never became familiar - no matter how many times he entered it.  
He always felt disconnected, like the strange room where they sat in for an hour twice a week, would’ve been separated from the rest of the world. He left everything behind to the lobby and when the cherry tree door closed - nothing from the outside could reach him. Not even his own feelings or thoughts accompanied them in the darkly decorated room.

“I don’t want to say I want to die but lately I think I’ve lost something important,” he began trying his best not to sound too evasive.

“And what is it that you think you have lost?” the woman asked after waiting for a while to see if Isak would continue.

Sense of reality? Colour? Connection to anything?

“ _Hope_ ,” he said out of all the things he thought of. _Hope_ was always important. Isak realized he was trying to answer the questions correctly not caring about honesty. He was all out of thoughts so he desperately tried to borrow some from the woman. But he couldn’t read them so he had to guess.

“How do these geese know when to fly to the sun? Who tells them the seasons? How do we, humans, know when it is time to move on? As with the migrant birds, so surely with us, there is a voice within, if only we would listen to it, that tells us so certainly when to go forth into the unknown. Do you know who said that?” the psychiatrist asked and Isak shook his head failing to see how it had anything to do with getting him back to his feet.

“Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross,” she said and there it was again. Isak’s hands balled into fists as he bit his cheek painfully hard.

“If you are going to talk to me about the Five Stages of Grief I think I’m going to throw up,” he said feeling annoyed by the pleased look on her face. It was the first time Isak had voiced his own feelings instead of guessing what she wanted to hear and Isak felt…

 good. Angry, but so relieved he felt something as feeling something was a delicacy he hadn’t enjoyed in a while.

“You’ve read about her?”

“Not much.”

“I think you haven’t lost _hope_ but you are just too afraid to embrace it.”

But it didn’t make any sense. Isak wasn’t afraid anymore. He was just waiting for the inevitable. He was just watching blood fly out of Even’s mouth with every cough wondering if one day he would walk home to see the love of his life lying in a puddle of blood. Suffocated by the substance that was supposed to keep him alive. Or if one morning he wouldn’t wake up anymore. And these thoughts had made him feel nothing or maybe a hint of relief.

“We are all going to die. What’s to be afraid of?” he asked knowing just how dramatic he sounded. The woman smiled.

“A man can only be brave when he is afraid, Isak. It doesn’t take effort to give up. But believing in yourself and that things will get better is the real challenge. I’ve heard that people can die many times and I’ve seen it. But I have also witnessed them coming back to life by finding light in even the darkest of places.”

This was not at all what he expected from someone with a medical degree. To him the words sounded utterly ridiculous. How was stating something like that supposed to help him? He was paying this woman for Christ’s sake. Or his dad was but the woman was getting paid.  
He just stared at her utterly appalled by what he had heard whereas the woman still smiled.

 _“_ _I am like a plane that has left the gate and not taken off. I would rather go back to the gate or fly away._ _”_

Said Kübler-Ross on her impending death. She apparently never admitted to being scared of death but Isak had to wonder if it was just an act in ode to her career in helping other people accept their own deaths. Maybe she too had the chance to be courageous because she was afraid.  
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross cheated as she believed life didn’t end in death and, just like many other great minds, treated it like another great adventure. It was awfully optimistic coming from someone dealing with such heavy subjects for the most of her life – but no doubt admirable.

She died a Tuesday evening in Arizona surrounded by her friends and loved ones. That evening she left all of them behind not able to take them with her. Dying wasn’t a great adventure to be taken with your friends but a black void swallowing even the things we once thought were permanent. Even things like the sun or our galaxy perhaps even the whole universe would give in to the greatest power mankind had ever faced: Death.

But still her legacy remained and still keeps on encouraging people to achieve better understanding on death and dying. Her memory lived on with her friends, family and the people whose lives’ she had changed.

Frankly, Isak didn’t want a memory of Even. He wanted the real thing. He wanted something he could feel, smell, hear and see. He didn’t want Even to turn into neural circuits in Isak’s brain that would fade with time.  
And the feeling that followed these thoughts was empowering.

It was almost as if he had been under water for the longest time. Just diving aimlessly – breathlessly – without being able to find the surface. It felt like being born again when his face breached the cold surface of the water and caught the wind that filled his lungs. Even though he still had to swim ashore, perhaps drowning on his quest, he was willing to try. He was willing to swim through the tides throwing him around if that was what was expected of him. He would refuse to let Even die twice.

“Get up,” he said jumping up from the bed fast enough to feel faint for a few seconds. “You are not dead yet,” he continued as his previous words had had no effect on the other lying curled up in their bed.

“Hopefully not. If being dead hurts as much as dying I’ll never want to die,” Even answered under his breath turning to face Isak who was already throwing clothes at him.

“Get dressed, we are going out with our friends.”

“Now?”

“For someone who has awfully little time you are surely an expert on wasting it,” Isak said offering a smile. Even grabbed his hand pulling him on to the bed laughing.

“No time spent with you is wasted,” he told Isak before pressing his lips on Isak’s, “but you’re right. However, if even one person calls me Saitama*, I’m leaving.”

“None of our friends wouldn’t dare to joke about cancer,” Isak said chuckling and Even squinted pulling the beanie on to his head before answering with a wide smile:

“Well, then you don’t know them very well.”

_Stage four: Depression_

_"I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon, so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"_

_During the fourth stage, the individual despairs at the recognition of their mortality. In this state, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time mournful and sullen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * bald anime character. One punch man himself. And why Saitama? I have no idea. He just came to mind XD  
> 


	6. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak answers the phone call from the hospital. However, from the line he can only hear a weird barking sound that doesn’t sound like talking at all. Still he is pretty sure it’s just that – talking. It’s as if his brains just suddenly stop functioning correctly and the words get lost in translation. He drops the phone feeling as if he had stepped back to square one only to go through the five stages of grief yet again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the last one. I feel pretty contetnt with this somehow. What a nice surprise. This time I'm not going to say anything about the songs besides that I love both of them. I think they do the talking.  
> I hope that you'll read the end notes after finishing this chapter!  
> And yet again sorry for the mistakes!

[(Hurt)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72yU7QWw-74) [Bittersweet Symphony](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lyu1KKwC74)

Life had suddenly become a countdown where every moment had to be used efficiently. Even if this countdown goes on indefinitely it has to be treated as something short-lived. There is a set of rules of what not to think about or what not to say but figuring out how far one could plan while maintaining a sense of reality is just blur. A few days’ range seems pessimistic and the same goes for a week’s range. Months’ range on the other hand seems hopeful and optimistic and figuring out, whether being optimistic (when knowing things will only get worse) is safe for your mental health, is the struggle.  
Coming to terms with something includes the realisation of what to expect but it doesn’t give you a script to go by. It merely gives time to use the energy previously invested to the subject at hand to something else in order to enjoy the things you can and not dwell.

Isak didn’t know if it was possible for him to accept that Even would be gone but he knew it was bound to happen. He had accepted that there was nothing anyone could do about it.  
He no longer tried to keep the image of healthy Even with him. No longer did he, in the back of his head, hope to remember Even as he had been before getting sick. He wanted to be remember things like they were instead of what he hoped them to be. During the year that had lead them here in this moment, Isak felt as if he had aged ten years. He felt to have gained an unspoken knowledge about something he couldn’t pin out.

Even’s breathing is ragged, slow and noisy. Isak can see it is painful as well.

“Dying isn’t as sexy as I thought. This is everything I didn’t want: To die as a shadow of myself in a hospital bed,” Even says smiling. He has to stop in the middle of his sentence to inhale deeply.

“I know things don’t always go as planned,” Isak says trying not to sound apologetic or sad. He tries not to squeeze Even’s hand tighter as Even’s eyes close out of exhaustion. He fails to be calm as he has to call a nurse when Even’s coughing doesn’t come to an end and he feels drops of blood splashing on to his cheek.

“Well, I’m not the type to plan ahead in any case. But now that you are here I realize there is no place I’d rather be,” Even says after the nurse has gone and Isak notices he has forgotten about their conversation.

“Really?” he asks absentmindedly looking at his sleeve to which he had wiped the blood from his face. Now, more than ever, he felt like Even was falling apart. He had read somewhere that lung cancer patients many times drown in their own blood and now that the end was close it frightened him so much. He didn’t trust the nurses to save him and he didn’t trust that Even wanted to be saved.

“No, I’d rather be anywhere else. But with you,” Even laughs. “I’d rather live for a year with you than the rest of my life without you so I guess our story is not a tragedy after all. If our movie is going to be a happy one then make it the happiest one at that. Live and fall in love, get children and travel. Your love is wasted on me when I’m dead. It’s a gift so use it. Give it to someone else and I’ll know that’s the happiest they’ll ever be.”

“You are such a fucking cliché,” Isak says laughing but breaks down in tears. Even is dying. Even is dying and he couldn’t save him. Even was going to be gone for forever. It would happen any day now. Even is dying, he thinks and can’t stop repeating it over and over again. He knows what it would mean and he is overwhelmed by all the things he still wants to say to him but somehow voicing them feels like wasting a breath. As soon as Even would be gone, so would his words become pointless as there was no one else to receive them.

“Don’t cry baby. It breaks my heart,” Even says quietly lifting his hand to Isak’s shoulder.

“I don’t want to move on, Even. You don’t get it, do you? You are my everything,” Isak says holding on to his anger since it is the only clear thought in his head. Everything else is just running around in utter horror but the anger is firm and there, like a rock among feathers. It stands there, in his mind, looking at the chaos.

“Not true. You just feel that way because I’m going. In a year or two you would’ve grown tired of me anyway, so this is pretty convenient for me,” Even smiles and Isak knows it’s a joke but he doesn’t have it in him to laugh even if he wanted to, which he truly doesn’t. He knows full well how silly it is to guilt Even for dying but he does it anyway unable to stop himself and he hates how Even understands it.

“You don’t get to say that when you are the one leaving me,” Isak frowns letting his head fall.

“It’s not like I have a choice,” Even reminds him unnecessarily.

“You know what I mean,” Isak retorts getting up from the chair. He has to channel his nervousness somehow so he starts pacing in the small room. The floor is slick under his shoes.

“Not that it matters anyway,” Even sighs obviously willing to leave the topic but Isak doesn’t agree. He is far from finished.

“It does matter to me. Because soon my love for you will be the only thing I’ll have left of you. Do you understand that?” he asks and sees Even’s expression flicker between a frown and a stubborn smile.

“I’m trying to see the best of things and god how you’re not helping at all,” Even says and Isak knows that. He also knows that Even knows that he knows.

“That’s because there’s no bright side to this. It’s all just so fucking messed up. I miss you already and I just can’t cope with this. I’m so fucking angry at you for dying and I know it’s fucking ridiculous but I can’t help it. I’m so scared. I don’t want to be alone, Even. I don’t really want you to die. Please don’t die,” Isak blurts out all in one breath hating what it does to Even. To his dear beloved Even whose eyes are so watery they shine in the yellow light. Eyes surrounded by black circles.

“I love you,” he says and doesn’t smile. Isak stops his pacing and his heart starts beating like crazy. Those three words used to mean so little to him but now they were all he had. Behind them a hundred stories and happy memories of overcoming the impossible together.  
Even says I love you and Isak knows it means good bye. Not the see-you-tomorrow type but a farewell in case he wouldn’t get the chance to say it later. These three words lingered between them.

“I don’t fucking want to love you anymore. It hurts so much its insane. I’m envious of you because you get to leave while I’m left here all alone. I can’t do it. No matter how much I try I can’t swallow the pills, I can’t jump or slit my wrists. I feel trapped. I’m such a fucking loser,” he says positively breaking Even into sobs and no words can describe how sorry he is. But what he doesn’t know is that his words don’t make Even sad for the reasons he thought they did. He is sad because he has found something he never hoped to have, which is a person who loves him more than life, and he doesn’t know if he likes the way it feels. Guess dreams coming true don’t always lead to a happy ending.

Isak leaves the room with the yellow light. He closes the thin door and behind it his heart. He doesn’t want to take it with him so he leaves it with Even in the yellow room. To accompany him even when Isak doesn’t have the strength to do so. A knowledge of being loved to dry his tears with.

Even had seemed ready to die months ago but it was hard to tell if it was caused by the unwillingness to fight instead of a real desire to die. Isak still hadn’t figured out whether the fifth stage really existed. He was still quite sure accepting death would swim against our nature which had a strong survival sense. It is simple biology and nothing to debate about. It is how and why some people survive through thick and thin. When standing at the gates of hell looking over the flames and horror, the urge to live pushes one in to face whatever it should offer.  
Should our nature be to just curl up into an uninterested ball and die, we wouldn’t stand on the top of the food chain so invested in ourselves that we involve people even in our menus. So desperate to exist that we are destroying everything standing in our way, ironically even our home.

Why is it that people are so interested in the idea of being able to read minds? And how is it that even though we unconsciously try to do that continuously, we never succeed. Communication is a key in survival of population and thus it seems odd we struggle to do that effectively. Is it because everything we see, we see through goggles that turn the information to what we think it is instead of what it truly is. We grow apart from each other and learn to read our environment so differently that later we seize to understand the world can be viewed variedly.  
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross sought to understand the minds of others efficiently enough to make a difference. To connect the dots, we didn’t know to be separate. She gave her heart and time to the people we had already given up on. To the people we didn’t invest our time on because it would have become wasted as their short lives should come to an end.  
Perhaps it is we view ourselves differently to those who have accepted their deaths because the idea sound strange. At least to us who are so invested in the future we have no time for this moment. As if two timelines coexisted: One would have the dying who saw no future as they had none, so they were left with only the past and the present. The other timeline’s people would skip and jump seeing only what lies ahead oblivious of missing out on the moment they lived in therefore blind to the needs of those who have stopped to take a breather before the end.

_It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.*_

And so they did. They had both downgraded from timeless and untouchable to mortal beings in a span of a year. They had even learned to joke about it. Without them noticing death had become an inseparable part of life. It was constantly present and lurking but they every once in a while, forgot that it was something scary and unknown.  
“I have written you letters. One for your next birthday, some for the Christmases to come, one for your wedding and one for your children. I’ve written three because three children is good,” Even had said passing a joint to Isak. Isak had just stared at him unsure what he was supposed to say. His heart had been fluttering weirdly at Even’s words and he simultaneously hated and loved how Even had planned his future. Apparently Isak had to get married and get three children.

“And one is for when I go. And you have to promise not to read them in advance because that would be awkward,” Even had laughed as he had given envelopes to Isak who had taken them trying to swallow the tears forming in his eyes.

“I can’t promise that,” Isak had laughed to which Even had just grinned and planted a kiss on his lips.

Isak answers the phone call from the hospital. However, from the line he can only hear a weird barking sound that doesn’t sound like talking at all. Still he is pretty sure it’s just that – talking. It’s as if his brains just suddenly stop functioning correctly and the words get lost in translation. He drops the phone feeling as if he had stepped back to square one only to go through the five stages of grief yet again only this time he would be grieving a dead person instead of a dying one.  
The letter sitting inside his drawer gets opened once again and he reads it carefully even though he has already done so before.  
Even’s hand had been reached out as he went but there had been nobody to touch. Isak doesn’t know where the past begins, where it turns into now and finally the future. He has no way to grasp how final the hours surrounding him are and so he doesn’t try. He shuts down floating away as the gravity fails him.

_Kjær Isak_

_You probably thought this was going to be poetic but it isn’t. I just wanted to remind you that you are freaking hot and if you ever start working out please be naked a lot in case I turn into a ghost after I die. And if I do turn into a ghost I promise I won’t throw shit around because I know you are scared of poltergeist. So, if shit starts hitting the fan it’s some other guy haunting you._

_I hope this makes you laugh because you are beautiful when you do._

_I love you baby and nothing is going to change that._

_P.S. I’m sorry the paper is crinkled. I might have cried a little_

After that he curls up in bed closing his eyes and smelling the sheets. He hides under the duvet and hopes to fall asleep so that the wait feels shorter.  
And just before he falls asleep he hears the bed creak and it makes him feel relieved without really knowing why.

_The fifth stage: Acceptance_

_"It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it; I may as well prepare for it."_

_In this last stage, individuals embrace mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. People dying may precede the survivors in this state, which typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable condition of emotions._

 

*quote from Kübler-Ross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels a little unfinished but I didn't try to fix it. I didn't want to make Even's death too dramatic because usually it's not. People just go and the dramatic effect follows later if so. It must've seemed pretty anticlimatic after it has been building up for five chapters but that's life I guess.  
> Also I feel awful for not giving Isak closure but I feel like his healing process has only just began and he has a long way to go before he can think about a future without Even. I feel quite blank and I don't know what else to say.  
> Thank you so much for reading. It really means the world to me.  
> Hopefully you'll have a nice day.

**Author's Note:**

> Just to clarify: Kübler-Ross is a real person and everything I wrote about her at least should be correct information(correct me if not)! I'm not too familiar with her work since I haven't read much of it but I've read some things about her and while her techniques used in her studies have been criticized, I appreciate her work and beliefs.


End file.
